Creating boundaries with Narcissists: 10 traits of how to recognize the behavior.

Updated: Jul 5, 2021

I have a confession to make: Learning to set clear boundaries with people in my life has always been a challenge. I often ask myself the question, "how did I get here?" "What makes me so vulnerable and submissive to others that allows me to put their needs over mine?"


After reviewing a few videos (I included one below), I learned my behavior is a result of lessons taught to me in my early childhood: Not being seen as a 3 dimensional person, having to be the "obedient" child. Being taught that I was "lesser" than others and lastly being subjected to mental & physical abuse.


Now don't get me wrong, I understand our parents and family members do the best with what they have. However, I suffered tremendously with depression, experienced a nervous breakdown and made a string of bad decisions based on my confidence level which was about a 4 out of 10. Unhealthy friendships & relationships causes so much stress and anxiety, but just know there is hope to change things in your favor, but you MUST do the work.


TURNING INTO A PEOPLE PLEASER


I turned into a people pleaser/co-dependent as a result of my thought process making me a magnet for the narcissist (mainly women-I'll get back to this). I learned since childhood that it was better to go along in order to get along (or so I thought), even if it meant compromising my own happiness. As a result of not setting clear boundaries, I became of victim of my own circumstances.


As a child, there was no escape from mental abuse. I got my first dose of narcissistic behavior from my own family. As I was being taught to be a co-dependent, some of my relatives were taught to be entitled. I thought it was just bullying, only to learn later they had the traits of a narcissist, but I learned how to manage my own mental health in order to maintain healthy boundaries.


DEALING WITH FEMALE NARCISSISTS (Friendship)


Female narcissists seem like a breath of fresh air because they start off very pleasant, are great listeners (at first), very supportive and are treat you like a super star. Women can be quite charming and with their Oscar winning performance, the female narcissist will have you believing you are lucky to have them in your life.


A female narcissist can be a new person you recently met or even a person from your past. You may run into a friend you haven't seen in years or it can be an acquaintance you knew and are now learning to know each other better. It's always great to bond with friends, but do so with precaution.


As women, we tend to have a different type of bond. The female Narcissist doesn't know how to have this "bond" but is very good a pretending. She will go above and beyond to gain your trust. She will shower you with compliments, be a good listener, love to gift you with trinkets (they are also very cheap) and make it seem as if she is the only person you need as a friend.


But then, as the relationship carries on and you begin to realize something is off. Now, keep in mind, co-dependent's don't set boundaries which makes us vulnerable and the narcissist loves that, but getting back to my point...something is off. She's now requiring more of your time; is more demanding of you; becomes very emotional (yes, they resort to crying and throwing tantrums) and then finally becomes possessive.


Your narcissistic "friend" has finally unveiled her true self to you. She no longer needs to prove anything else. All those great "conversations" you had was only to collect data in order to have control over you. Now you want out, but how? Co-dependents are not as bold and confrontational as narcissists. We want to have the relationship with the person (or should I say representative) we met.


It's a very lock and key relationship with the female narcissist. We are the co-dependent "Lock" and the female narcissist is the "Key". It feels like a honeymoon being friends with the narcissist. You think, finally I found a friend who thinks like me, supports me, cares about me, only to learn she's been collecting data the entire time to lock you in.


THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE NARCISSTIC MALE AND FEMALE


Narcissistic men are more predictable, they can't hide their horns for very long and are not as patient as women, so as soon as you see the signs, it can be easier to remove them from your life. This is my experience and I have read many articles where women had a hard time getting rid of of their male narcissist.


I only had one narcissistic man in my life and yes I agree it was hard to get rid of him. What's crazy is that we knew each other from High School and he never showed any signs of being a narcissist. It wasn't until we started dating that the signs began to show. I got pregnant and that's when the relationship got progressively worse.